TIME MARCHES ON - MORE THOUGHTS

Last week I experienced something new. For the first time since all these events happened, I went a full day without thinking about it and dwelling on it at least once. In fact, it happened three days in a row. It was nice. I wish everyday could be like that. But it doesn't work that way.

It's interesting. When I'm around my wife, everything is great. It's like life is back to normal, and everything is as wonderful as it's always been. It's when I'm alone, driving in my car, or sitting at work, where my mind can wander back to those horrible days of August. Will the hurt ever go away completely? I don't believe she's experiencing any of the pain that I'm feeling. In her life, she's simply moved on from these events. It's all over and done with. Of course I didn't hurt her. She hurt me. And the pain still lingers.

If anyone were to ask me how things were going in our marriage, I would say "great." And I would be telling the truth. Things are going great. We are progressing quite well, and I have no doubt that we will happily be together for the rest of our lives. So why does my mind linger back to all the negative events? I don't know. It makes no sense to me. When I sit and dwell on such things, all it does is get me down. Yet I just can't help it. Am I a glutton for punishment sometimes?

Last weekend, she apologized to me for everything that happened, and apologized for the hurt feelings that I experienced because of it. That was nice to hear. Although I think she had already apologized to me for it. It wasn't necessary though, as I take full responsibility for my actions (or lack thereof) that lead to her doing what she did. I don't consider myself a victim here. Well, if anything, I'm a co-victim.

Regarding the "other guy" I've come to a conclusion about him. I now believe that he was in it only for sex. Now I don't blame him for anything. After all, he was merely trying to take advantage of a situation. My wife made the initial move on him. And he just took the bait. If I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. I don't think he should have any moral issues regarding it. If (and I emphasize the word "if") anyone in this scenario should have them, it would be my wife. And I kind of feel bad for my wife in this case. He obviously said all the right things to her. And she clearly developed some very strong feelings for him in the short time they got to know each other. But did he get those same feelings? I don't think so. I believe what he felt was lust.

When he contacted her again (after I had found out about everything) he told her that prior to knowing that I'd found out about him, he thought they could carry on an affair - that could "possibly" lead to something more. Again, I don't fault him for this. I would have acted the same was as him. But then when she pushed him away, he began to go on the offensive a bit. At one point, he said, "Dude, you gotta get out of your marriage." Now this really pisses me off! Who the hell does he think he is? What makes him think he has the right to judge something like that? He knows nothing about our marriage!

So my wife tells him that she doesn't know if she wants to get out of her marriage. Yet he still pushes the issue. When she casually mentions the fear of living on her own again, he got very defensive and said something like, "Woah! Wait a second. I can't support you!" Of course my wife fired back in shock, "I don't want you to support me!"

This guy said and did everything right, up until the point at which my wife began to turn him away. At that point, according to her, he became sort of whiney, and acted like a baby. All this leads me to believe he was after just one thing - sex.

Think about it. He knew full well that my wife carried a lot of "baggage." Specifically, she was a married woman with two small kids. Plus she has very little free time. Based on all of that, the "possibility" of an affair leading to something more is pretty slim. Of course it happens in life. But he's already got a bunch of things going against him before he even got started. Therefore, I think he looked at my wife as the ideal situation. He saw her as someone he could get laid with from time to time, then go home to his own life without taking any of her baggage with him. In this scenario, he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

So like I mentioned earlier, I feel sorry for my wife. Because I know she had feelings for this guy. But I don't believe he had the same feelings for her. I believe, in the end, his real motivation was just something physical. When she did cut all ties with him, I'm sure she had a sense of loss or disappointment as to what could have been. But again, in all honesty, I don't believe he was interested in what "could have been," short of the occasional romp.

I now find myself wondering if everything is ok with us. Granted, I honestly believe that everything is great. But there will probably be a small part of me that is going to wonder for a long, long time, whether or not I'm right about that. I have to trust that she'll tell me if something's wrong. I have to trust that she won't keep her feelings bottled up inside. I have to trust that if she ever wants to move on in life without me, she'll tell me so right away, so as not to lead me down a path of being oblivious to problems.

On the night we had our first big talk, she told me what problems she had with me. She knew she hurt me greatly. She then asked me to tell her what problems I had with her. At that point, I think she was in the mode of "I hurt you, now I want you to hurt me." But I had nothing to tell her. Truth is, she's a wonderful woman, and has always been great to me. The only issues I've ever had with her has been petty stuff, such as putting the toilet paper roll on the wrong way. I think she was looking for me to light into her. And my lack of a response surprised her - and may have made her feel even worse, considering how her responses to me made me feel.

The one lingering thought that stands out more than any, is that had this other guy's mother not died, my marriage would have ended.

Had she not died, knowing my wife as I do, and knowing what frame of mind she was in at that time, she probably would have found some time to sneak away with him for a few hours the following week. She would have told me something like how she needed to have a few hours for herself because the kids had driven her crazy that day or something. And I would have had no problem with it. So she'd have gone out, would have had sex, then would have come home. How long would this affair last? I don't know. But I would have found out about it soon enough. And I know that our marriage wouldn't survive her having an affair behind my back. So had she not died, I would be going through a divorce right now. And I wouldn't just be divorcing my wife. I would be divorcing my best friend. And just the mere thought of that puts a pit in my stomach. It terrifies me to know just how close we came to divorce. I don't ever want to get that close again.

So this woman's death saved my marriage. Life is weird sometimes.