NIGHTMARE

What a difference a day makes.

So last night, out of the blue, the "other guy" sends an instant message to my wife. My wife wasn't home. I was. It was a friendly message alerting her that he had recently moved to an area very close to where we live. He wanted to know if they could see each other. Now I was angry. Pretending to be her, I told him no, that his involvement in my life had almost cost my marriage, and that he shouldn't make any contact anymore. Well, he got angry about that and fired off a few immature comments of his own. But then he also made a startling revelation. Apparently my wife had given him a blowjob the night they met.

I played along a little bit, and was able to confirm that the deed did in fact occur.

Now I was crushed. And in all honesty, it wasn't the act itself. It was my wife's lack of honesty about it that hurt the most. Why hadn't she told me the truth? After all that we've been through, after all the talk of honesty and open communication, she left this one BIG thing out. I decided right then and there that I could no longer be with her. She continues to hurt me over and over again. And despite promise after promise, she simply refuses to be completely open and honest with me.

I confronted her about it. I told her I knew what really happened that night. I asked her to tell me the truth. She denied it. I asked her again. She denied it. I asked her about four times before she finally blurted out, "We kissed." I then told her to go on. And again, she denied anything further occurred. She was lying to my face. And I knew it. I simply told her that we were through. How could she lie right to my face, when both of us knew the truth?

She ended up going to the home of a friend of hers. We briefly talked on the phone. She confirmed that she was coming home. And I confirmed with her that my decision to divorce her was also final. For the record, she stated that she didn't want that. And she also finally admitted the truth - that she had in fact given him a blowjob that night.

When she came home, we talked for a couple of hours. We talked about the logistics of divorce - how we would go about it with the kids, are house, our pets... I told her that I had no choice but to go through with the divorce. Staying with her would simply dash any self respect for myself I have left. How can I stay with someone who clearly has little respect for me or our marriage? I even asked her what she thinks would hurt me more, being told something that would hurt my feelings, or finding out about it on my own. I assure you, it's the latter. It's not even close. I told her that had she told me about this two months ago, I would have forgiven her.

And then the realization kicked in. I begin to tear up as I type this. But I love this woman so much. I don't want to divorce her. I want to be with her. I want to hang out with her. I want to laugh with her. I just want her. Sure, I could move on and start a new life without her. But I don't want to. I think the odds of me finding someone as wonderful as her (in so many respects) is miniscule. I found the perfect woman for me. So how can I get past this hurt?

I retracted my declaration of divorce. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust her. I don't know what to do. Today I am humiliated. Today I am sad. I am very, very sad.