That's how I feel about my marriage right now. It's been stained - stained by infidelity. We can never go back. No matter what happens in the future, we can never say that are marriage has been 100% true. There will always be that dark shadow hanging over it, which will undoubtedly make for a few awkward moments in the future.
I can forsee perhaps at some point, some of our friends might bring up the subject of cheating in a relationship. And how do my wife and I even contribute to that conversation? And just suppose one of my wife's friends who knows about what happened (there seems to be several of them now) happens to be there? Humiliation and embarrassment, that's what.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
LAST NIGHT
So last night my wife and I were talking. And I told her about my feelings regarding her best friend. And she was clearly upset about it. It was late, and we really didn't get a chance to discuss it much beyond that. And admitedly, she'd had a really bad day already. But nonetheless, I felt like shit - and still do. I think I hurt her. And I don't know what I can do to help fix that.
If I'm reading my wife correctly, she's trying very hard to see things from my perspective. So I think she's trying to temper any anger or resentment she may have towards me in these situations. In other words, she's trying not to invalidate my feelings. And for that, I truly admire her. Because that's a very difficult thing to do in her position.
If I'm reading my wife correctly, she's trying very hard to see things from my perspective. So I think she's trying to temper any anger or resentment she may have towards me in these situations. In other words, she's trying not to invalidate my feelings. And for that, I truly admire her. Because that's a very difficult thing to do in her position.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
THE BLAME GAME
As I've written several times in the past, I've accepted my share of the responsibility for playing a part in my wife's indiscretion. And then I came across this quote from someone on that website.
"You are 50% responsible for the condition and environment of the marriage. She is 100% responsible for her CHOICE to have an affair. That is hers alone. You did not get a vote on it."
This is something that I need to keep in the back of my mind. Because the "affair" itself was not my fault. And at times, I think I've beaten myself up a little bit over that.
"You are 50% responsible for the condition and environment of the marriage. She is 100% responsible for her CHOICE to have an affair. That is hers alone. You did not get a vote on it."
This is something that I need to keep in the back of my mind. Because the "affair" itself was not my fault. And at times, I think I've beaten myself up a little bit over that.
THE BEST FRIEND
So nearly a week has passed since my last entry. I discovered a message board which is designed to help people in my position. And my posts over there have actually lured a couple of people over to this blog. So maybe I have an audience now.
That board recommends that when you find out your wife is carrying on an affair, the best thing to do is expose it to everyone - family, friends and coworkers. Yikes! That is a radical concept, to be sure. But in a way, I can understand it. If the goal is to stop the affair, then why not embarrass the cheating spouse? Apparently it does work. Oh, and you should also notify the spouse of the other party as well - if there is one.
So in my case, I should have told my wife's parents, her friends, and her coworkers. I also should have told the customers and Myspace friends of the other guy. Of course I found out about everything after it was all over with. So there would be no point to do that now.
I wonder though. If I'm ever in that position again, should I do it? For the record, I don't believe I'll ever have to face that nightmare again. But if I were to be in that position again, would I expose her? I don't know. Right now, my opinion is that if it happens again, we're absolutely through. This is her final "second chance." If she cheats again, I'm done. And if I'm done, why would I care what she does? Exposing her at that point would simply be an act of malice. And I'm not a malicious person.
However, who knows what frame of mind I'd be in. Maybe I would want to try and salvage our marriage once again. If so, then yes, I would expose her. As difficult a task as that would be, I would do it. It might get ugly. But, I would do it.
Now, to the subject of this post. As I've talked about before, my wife's best friend knew about everything before, during and after it happened. I was none the wiser. I've mentioned this before. But it's worth repeating. Because circumstances now require it.
This friend of hers knew that my wife was having severe marital problems. And yet she never encouraged her to talk to me about them. I've never understood that. It just boggles my mind. My wife loves this woman and would heed her advice. I know that if this friend had pushed her a bit to confront me with the problems she was having at the time, my wife would have done it in a heartbeat. This friend has enough pull with her to do that. And had she done that, none of this shit would have happened - no cheating, no nothing. We would have begun our healing process without all of the added bullshit. Does that bother me? FUCK YEAH!
One other thing about her is that even after I found out about her cheating, and after my wife and I began to mend our marriage, she still ENCOURAGED her not to close any doors. She ENCOURAGED her to explore other options without me, in addition to the option of staying with me and fixing our marriage.
Now you tell me, what kind of friend is that? My wife had already decided to work with me to fix our marriage. And here she is basically saying to her "not so fast."
Now you tell me. How am I supposed to react to that? How the hell am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to be accepting of her after she's done something like that?
Don't get me wrong. This friend is a nice person. But in my opinion, she made some unforgivable errors in judgement. So now I'm left with extreme resentment towards her. Is it justified? I think so. No, I know so!
Last Friday, my wife and this friend both attended some sort of expo where women were selling crafts and things. Since my wife had only seen our two kids for about 30 minutes that day, I was going to surprise her by stopping by and hanging out for awhile. But that was before I knew that her best friend was going to be there too. I'm no longer comfortable around her. So my surprise was scrapped. And we stayed home.
This friend has a party every three or four months. We're always invited to them. And she has one tentatively planned in a few weeks. I've said very little about it. For one thing, I thought we probably couldn't attend anyway, as my wife would be working that night. Unfortunately, we found out yesterday that she has that night off.
Great. Now this forces me into a confrontation that I was hoping to avoid. I have no intention of going to that party. I just can't. I would be very uncomfortable and not happy. And I don't think I would be really good at faking it in this situation. If my wife wants to go, that's fine. I have no problem if she wants to hang out and have a good time. I wish I could do it with her. But I just can't. So how do I break it to her? I know she'll be disappointed in me. She may even resent me for it. She may even think that I'm "punishing" her for her indiscretion. I don't know what to do. But I'll probably just avoid it as long as I can.
Life sucks sometimes.
That board recommends that when you find out your wife is carrying on an affair, the best thing to do is expose it to everyone - family, friends and coworkers. Yikes! That is a radical concept, to be sure. But in a way, I can understand it. If the goal is to stop the affair, then why not embarrass the cheating spouse? Apparently it does work. Oh, and you should also notify the spouse of the other party as well - if there is one.
So in my case, I should have told my wife's parents, her friends, and her coworkers. I also should have told the customers and Myspace friends of the other guy. Of course I found out about everything after it was all over with. So there would be no point to do that now.
I wonder though. If I'm ever in that position again, should I do it? For the record, I don't believe I'll ever have to face that nightmare again. But if I were to be in that position again, would I expose her? I don't know. Right now, my opinion is that if it happens again, we're absolutely through. This is her final "second chance." If she cheats again, I'm done. And if I'm done, why would I care what she does? Exposing her at that point would simply be an act of malice. And I'm not a malicious person.
However, who knows what frame of mind I'd be in. Maybe I would want to try and salvage our marriage once again. If so, then yes, I would expose her. As difficult a task as that would be, I would do it. It might get ugly. But, I would do it.
Now, to the subject of this post. As I've talked about before, my wife's best friend knew about everything before, during and after it happened. I was none the wiser. I've mentioned this before. But it's worth repeating. Because circumstances now require it.
This friend of hers knew that my wife was having severe marital problems. And yet she never encouraged her to talk to me about them. I've never understood that. It just boggles my mind. My wife loves this woman and would heed her advice. I know that if this friend had pushed her a bit to confront me with the problems she was having at the time, my wife would have done it in a heartbeat. This friend has enough pull with her to do that. And had she done that, none of this shit would have happened - no cheating, no nothing. We would have begun our healing process without all of the added bullshit. Does that bother me? FUCK YEAH!
One other thing about her is that even after I found out about her cheating, and after my wife and I began to mend our marriage, she still ENCOURAGED her not to close any doors. She ENCOURAGED her to explore other options without me, in addition to the option of staying with me and fixing our marriage.
Now you tell me, what kind of friend is that? My wife had already decided to work with me to fix our marriage. And here she is basically saying to her "not so fast."
Now you tell me. How am I supposed to react to that? How the hell am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to be accepting of her after she's done something like that?
Don't get me wrong. This friend is a nice person. But in my opinion, she made some unforgivable errors in judgement. So now I'm left with extreme resentment towards her. Is it justified? I think so. No, I know so!
Last Friday, my wife and this friend both attended some sort of expo where women were selling crafts and things. Since my wife had only seen our two kids for about 30 minutes that day, I was going to surprise her by stopping by and hanging out for awhile. But that was before I knew that her best friend was going to be there too. I'm no longer comfortable around her. So my surprise was scrapped. And we stayed home.
This friend has a party every three or four months. We're always invited to them. And she has one tentatively planned in a few weeks. I've said very little about it. For one thing, I thought we probably couldn't attend anyway, as my wife would be working that night. Unfortunately, we found out yesterday that she has that night off.
Great. Now this forces me into a confrontation that I was hoping to avoid. I have no intention of going to that party. I just can't. I would be very uncomfortable and not happy. And I don't think I would be really good at faking it in this situation. If my wife wants to go, that's fine. I have no problem if she wants to hang out and have a good time. I wish I could do it with her. But I just can't. So how do I break it to her? I know she'll be disappointed in me. She may even resent me for it. She may even think that I'm "punishing" her for her indiscretion. I don't know what to do. But I'll probably just avoid it as long as I can.
Life sucks sometimes.
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