RANDOM THOUGHTS

My wife met this guy at a bookstore. Personally, I love bookstores - as does my wife. This particular bookstore is a new bookstore near our home. It's a huge national chain. I haven't been to this store yet, since it opened up at its new location.

And I don't ever want to go.

My wife and I have spent hours and hours in bookstores. For whatever reason, we never found our way into this one, since it reopened. And now we never will - at least together. I just wouldn't feel comfortable in there. I don't want to picture it. I don't want to picture the table that they sat at. I don't want to picture anything. It's just a mental image I don't want or need. It does kind of suck though, as the next-nearest location for that chain is about 25 miles away. Oh well.

My wife met this guy on August 10th. On August 11th, she and I went out with several other people, and had an awesome time! But looking back on it, I feel somewhat deflated about it. I now know that he was supposed to call her sometime that day. So unbeknownst to me, she spent the entire day constantly looking at her phone to see if he'd called. That fact, and knowing what took place the night before leaves me feeling depressed about the whole night we had. It sort of feels phony. I don't know how to explain it. As much fun as we had that night, the events of 24 hours earlier have now put a huge damper on the whole thing. What was once a truly great memory has now been severely soured.

On another note, in an earlier post, I made mention that I thought that the reason my wife (in my opinion) didn't seem fully committed to fixing our marriage (after our big talk, but before I knew about HIM) was because I thought there was something else (or someone else) pulling her in another direction, and she was torn. Well, I asked her about that. And she said no. She simply said that at the time, she just didn't know if she was worthy or even capable of being a good wife, or was capable of being faithful. So she didn't know if she wanted to commit fully to saving our marriage, for fear of hurting me once again.

Last night my wife went to a massage. It was a gift from her boss at work. She had told me about it a few days ago. So she was gone for maybe three hours. Now I know this is crazy. And I have absolutely no doubt in my mind (100%) that she received that massage. But still, the thought entered my mind that this would be the perfect opportunity for her to cheat on me, if she wanted to.

Again, let me reiterate that I don't for one second think that there was anything funny going on. Yet the thought of the possibility popped into my head. Why? Why did that happen? No, I wasn't paranoid. I knew nothing was going on. Yet the thought enters my mind anyway. I don't understand that. Is that part of the hurt I've been feeling? Am I going to be forced to think about such things now? I don't want that - especially when I know it's untrue.

On a much more upbeat note, I E-mailed my wife yesterday and told her how good I felt about us and our marriage. Over the past few weeks, she has seemed to be more loving than she's ever been. I really feel that we are stronger now than we've ever been at any point in our relationship. She wrote me back and said she agreed with me. She's felt it too. And that was such a wonderful E-mail to read. It was one of those moments that made me feel warm all over.

Things are good. There is still some hurting on my part, and probably will be for awhile. But I know that things are good with us.