WEDNESDAY

I had a few hard moments yesterday. Someone left a comment in my previous entry, with a link to a website. The website is about marriage, and has a message board filled with people in my exact position. Reading the stories of others was truly heartbreaking. And it made me feel bad about my own situation.

I think I've reached a point where I no longer care to analyze (and over analyze) what's happened. There just isn't much more that I can think about. It is what it is. I can speculate for hours and hours as to what my wife's motivation was, or what she was thinking. But what's the point? It's over with.

The only thing I'm left with now is the horrible mental image of what she did. That won't go away. And while I have honestly forgiven her, it's going to take a long time for the pain to subside.

So anyway, my wife told me that her best friend - the one who knew about everything before, during and after it happened, is planning a party in a few weeks. Of course we're invited. But I don't know if I want to go. I feel bad about it. But I feel some resentment towards her - like she could have done something to prevent what happened. And by "soing something" I mean she could have pressured my wife to talk to me about all the issues she was having. Had this taken place, none of the bad stuff would ever have occurred. So irrational or not, that's what I'm feeling. And I don't know if I can handle spending an evening around her, when I know how uncomfortable I'm going to feel. On top of my slight resentment, I also feel humiliated. She knows what my wife did. And that makes me feel like a total schmuck. I have a feeling if I tell my wife this, she's going to be irritated with me. She may even feel like I'm refusing to go to the party, simply as some sort of "punishment" to her. But it's not. I mean, how would my lack of attendance hurt her anyway? She can still go by herself.

I don't know. We'll see what the next several weeks yields. Maybe I'll come around.

LAST NIGHT

I broke down last night. Unfortunately, I did it in bed, with my wife right next to me. I turned into a blubbering fool. I just hurt so bad, and everything just decided to flood out at that moment. I felt like shit for losing it in front of her. And she feels she's to blame - which in turn makes her feel like shit. So there we are, two lost fish in a sea of shit.

My immediate thought is that I'm going to lose her - which is the last thing I want to happen. But how long can she put up with me being so sad and depressed all the time? She may feel sorry for me now. But after awhile, that's going to get old.

I feel that I've lost my "fun" - my silliness. But I am confident that it will come back. I had two months of healing. And things were slowly getting better. Now I need to start all over again. So be it. Five days down, 55 days to go. This all has to stop. I keep telling myself, "This will pass."

I feel good today. In fact, after that crying session, I felt a lot better. I'm not a cryer by nature. But I think I'd been saving that up inside of me all week. Tonight my wife and I are going to go out and have some fun - something we rarely get to do. We're both looking forward to it. And it's something we really need.

COMING TO GRIPS

My wife asked me last night if I had any thoughts of cheating myself, out of revenge. I told her no - which is true to a certain degree. Of course the thought itself has entered my mind. But even if I wanted to, it's not like I can just snap my fingers and make it happen. It doesn't work that way for guys. A woman intent on cheating can find a willing guy in two hours if she tries.

In all honesty, and I know this may sound noble and corny, but I simply wouldn't do that to her. I am really hurting these days. Any hurt I've experienced over the past two months, pales in comparison to what I've felt this week. I now know what it feels like to get cheated on. And I simply love my wife far too much to put her through this sort of heartache. I know that may sound overly noble - as if "wow, what a great guy I am!" But it is nonetheless true. I know she's got her own issues to deal with right now. She may not be suffering to the same degree I am. But I know she's hurting as well. And I know she has guilt and sorrow for what she's put me through. And why would I want to add to that?

This has been a very tough week for me. My appetite has seemed to have vanished - which isn't exaclty a bad thing. I carry a pit in my stomach nearly everywhere I go. But I'm actually dealing with it better than I thought I would. This too will pass.

Do I sound like a pathetic broken record? Woah is me. Woah is me...

TROUBLING

I'm having a hard time understanding how something like this could have happened so fucking quickly. I mean really. On Thursday, August 9th, my wife woke up with no knowledge of this other guy's existence. And on the very next day, she's giving him a blowjob in a parking lot.

What???

My God, is this normal?

You know, not that it would make me feel any better, but at least I could understand what happened, had she known this guy a long time. Had she met him online and got to know him over a period of time - say several weeks or even months, I could understand how a potential relationship could grow and cultivate. But that didn't happen here. They exhanged a few E-mails and instant messages, and the next thing you know...

My wife has since told me that she feels this guy is a douchebag. Those are her exact words. In all honesty, the guy has turned into a whiney, immature baby. And you know, he always was. But for that one day, he was on his best behavior. The other night, she literally said, "I can't believe I almost threw my marriage away over a total douchebag." My only point is this. Had she actually taken the time to get to know him, his douchebag character would undoubtedly have surfaced for her to see. And then none of this would have happened.

If I were an authority figure, I might be tempted to say to her, "Have you learned a lesson from this?" I mean, she acted on total impulse, and basically did what she did, on a total whim. As stupid as it sounds, perhaps the lesson learned was to wait until you really and truly know someone before you escalate things so quickly.

I have forgiven. But I can't forget. I only hope that I'm able to not throw it back in her face if I ever get into an argument with her. I don't believe I will though. I'm usually pretty good at holding back in situations like that.

EATING

Well, I am now eating a sandwich. It's the first food I've had in over 24 hours. I had completely lost my appetite - which for me is saying something.

My wife came to see me during my lunch hour. We had a nice, healthy talk. And we are both going to go forward with keeping our marriage together. Without getting into details, we have a very unique marriage - different than probably 99% of other married couples. And that's the way we like it. Our marriage is too special to throw it all away over one momentary lapse in judgement - which I played a part in.

We will move forward and be happy.

AMAZING

I've always had a theory that a cheating spouse will eventually always get caught. I'm not sure that's 100% true. But I think it's true more often than not. Because no matter how careful the cheating spouse may be, there are always unforseen things that could pop up to expose him or her.

In my case, every lie, every cheat, every realization came about through no effort of my own. I didn't spy on her. I didn't do anything. I was simply observant. And eventually the other guy took it upon himself to reveal more - right out of the blue, more than two months after the fact. His actions were unforseen.

This sucks.

NIGHTMARE

What a difference a day makes.

So last night, out of the blue, the "other guy" sends an instant message to my wife. My wife wasn't home. I was. It was a friendly message alerting her that he had recently moved to an area very close to where we live. He wanted to know if they could see each other. Now I was angry. Pretending to be her, I told him no, that his involvement in my life had almost cost my marriage, and that he shouldn't make any contact anymore. Well, he got angry about that and fired off a few immature comments of his own. But then he also made a startling revelation. Apparently my wife had given him a blowjob the night they met.

I played along a little bit, and was able to confirm that the deed did in fact occur.

Now I was crushed. And in all honesty, it wasn't the act itself. It was my wife's lack of honesty about it that hurt the most. Why hadn't she told me the truth? After all that we've been through, after all the talk of honesty and open communication, she left this one BIG thing out. I decided right then and there that I could no longer be with her. She continues to hurt me over and over again. And despite promise after promise, she simply refuses to be completely open and honest with me.

I confronted her about it. I told her I knew what really happened that night. I asked her to tell me the truth. She denied it. I asked her again. She denied it. I asked her about four times before she finally blurted out, "We kissed." I then told her to go on. And again, she denied anything further occurred. She was lying to my face. And I knew it. I simply told her that we were through. How could she lie right to my face, when both of us knew the truth?

She ended up going to the home of a friend of hers. We briefly talked on the phone. She confirmed that she was coming home. And I confirmed with her that my decision to divorce her was also final. For the record, she stated that she didn't want that. And she also finally admitted the truth - that she had in fact given him a blowjob that night.

When she came home, we talked for a couple of hours. We talked about the logistics of divorce - how we would go about it with the kids, are house, our pets... I told her that I had no choice but to go through with the divorce. Staying with her would simply dash any self respect for myself I have left. How can I stay with someone who clearly has little respect for me or our marriage? I even asked her what she thinks would hurt me more, being told something that would hurt my feelings, or finding out about it on my own. I assure you, it's the latter. It's not even close. I told her that had she told me about this two months ago, I would have forgiven her.

And then the realization kicked in. I begin to tear up as I type this. But I love this woman so much. I don't want to divorce her. I want to be with her. I want to hang out with her. I want to laugh with her. I just want her. Sure, I could move on and start a new life without her. But I don't want to. I think the odds of me finding someone as wonderful as her (in so many respects) is miniscule. I found the perfect woman for me. So how can I get past this hurt?

I retracted my declaration of divorce. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust her. I don't know what to do. Today I am humiliated. Today I am sad. I am very, very sad.

THE WEEKEND

Well, on Friday, shortly after my last blog entry, I told my wife about my thoughts that perhaps I needed therapy. I also shared this blog with her.

She read the whole thing. We talked a little bit about it. She didn't seem to have any disagreements or anger about anything I wrote. And she tried to answer some of the questions I posed. On Saturday night, we actually sat on the couch and talked for about two hours. It was a wonderful conversation. And it reaffirmed my belief that our marriage is very, very strong. The next morning at breakfast, she even commented that she felt really good about our talk.

I feel great. And I haven't been down or depressed about any of this shit since last week. I'm happy about that.

OH WELL

Another week goes by, and little has changed. I'm happy overall, to be sure. But I just can't stop thinking about all of this shit. I wake up in the middle of the night - and I think about it. I sit at work - and I think about. I had about four or five days in a row at work where I did very little. I simply can't concentrate on my job because I have to think about all of this. Why???

Maybe I need some therapy or something. I just can't seem to let go. Have I done something cruel in life to deserve this pain? When this stuff is on my mind, I'm miserable, absolutely miserable.

On another note, I did send her an E-mail shortly after my last blog entry. And for the record, she promised she would never steer me down this road again. If she ever felt a need to move on from me, or had doubts about the viability of our marriage, she promised to tell me immediately. While that would be a horrible thing to happen, that's a promise that needs to be kept. I have to trust her on this.

Maybe I just need to talk all of this out with her again. I don't know. All I know is that this sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I need her by my side not to be miserable. And that simply isn't feasible.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Well, I'm sick and tired of beating myself up over all of this. I'm sick of dwelling on all this negativity. It serves no purpose. I need to move on. I really do.

A few days ago, I asked my wife how she would describe these events to a friend of hers (who doesn't know about any of this) in the future - no friend in particular. She didn't really want to talk about it. She didn't know what to say, other than something like, "I guess I would just say that I thought I could make a connection with someone else."

Why did I ask her this? Why do I continue to think about this? What did I want to hear from her? Did I want her to tell her friend that it was her fault, or that she did something dumb, or that she regretted not being communicative, or that she had an exciting few days with the prospect of somebody new? I don't know. I wasn't looking for any particular answer. I was just curious. Whatever answer she gave me, would it matter?

I've read the other guy's Myspace blogs. He wrote an entry on August 26th - a day or two after the final goodbye, and a day before the truly final goodbye. He was not in a good mood. He lamented on how awful the month of August had been - losing his mother, his business suffering, and of course "losing his woman." Strange, you can't lose what you never had! All he lost was a prospect.

I think I've said all that needs to be said. I've thought all that needs to be thought. I have to try to put it all behind me and move on. I know I will still hurt. And I know I will still think about it sometimes - perhaps for a long time. But I've got to do whatever I can to let it go.

All I know is this. I can't go through this again - not like this. I won't accept this level of pain and hurt. If my wife ever gets to a point where she feels that she needs to move on from me, I can accept that. But she needs to be honest about immediately. There can be no "stringing me along" for months while I'm completely oblivious to any problems. I think I should tell her this.

I love my wife dearly. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together for the rest of our lives.

MORE FROM ME

To touch on a point I mentioned yesterday, I wrote about how I was sort of angered (or perplexed) as to how two of my wife's friends could be so blasé about what she had done. I wondered to myself if perhaps I was so bad (or perhaps she portrayed me in such a negative light) that they thought it was a good thing, or was no big deal. Or maybe it's simply a gender difference.

I know if I were in the same situation as her friends were, I too would be supportive and listen. But beyond any shadow of a doubt, I would let the other person know that it is absolutely imperative that he or she talk to his or her spouse! I know I would. That just seems like the natural thing that one should do. Perhaps it's that whole "Men Are From Mars - Women Are From Venus" concept. Maybe me, as a male, automatically moves into "problem solving mode." I detect a problem in my friend's marriage. And I therefore suggest that my friend go to his or her spouse to discuss it. While women on the other hand, may feel the need to talk about their feelings. I don't know. Of course if a married woman does want to talk about her feelings in this situation, wouldn't her husband be one of the first persons she should talk to?

To touch on another point from yesterday, I still wonder about my wife's motives in doing what she did. Perhaps at times I was selfish or lazy. And those are things I am certainly capable of working on - and have done so. But I also have plenty of good points. For one thing, I have ALWAYS supported everything my wife has ever tried to do. Be it a number of in-home businesses, weight loss, or anything else. I have always encouraged her and never once put her ideas down, or told her she was crazy. And by the same token, I've always given her her own space. I have never minded if she wants to do her own thing, or if she needs to get out of the house by herself for awhile, or if she wants to spend a night out with a friend. I don't think I'm the only husband in the world who has been that supportive. But I do believe I'm in a minority.

I think I'm a good catch. I really do. At least I've always thought I was. I'm far from perfect. And I will always strive to correct my shortcomings. Have I been wrong in my own self-evaluation?

MY PHILOSOPHY

Over the years, my wife and I have had a few discussions about this topic. It's about the concept of leaving your spouse for someone else.

I have always maintained that if you're marriage is good, why would you risk leaving your spouse for someone else? Now granted, as good as your marriage might be, there's always a chance that you might be happier with someone else. In my situation, I always argued that after nine years, I know how good I have it. I'm very happy with my marriage. I'm happy with my life. And most importantly, I know that I can live in harmony with my wife. I put up with her quirks. And she puts up with mine. And I would never risk anything breaking that peaceful harmony. It's not like a new relationship is going to blossom over night. If I were to ever fall in love with someone else, I would have to work at it. It would have to cultivate itself over time. And frankly, I refuse to let that happen. I refuse to even begin the process. I refuse to take that time.

Now, that being said, if my marriage was miserable, and I was unhappy, then by all means, it's worth taking a risk. Granted, being with someone else could actually end up being worse. But the point is, if you're so miserable that life is already filled with unhappiness, then I would encourage anyone to seek joy elsewhere.

My wife had always disagreed with me on this topic. She always maintained that a person should never be afraid to seek something better, even if the odds are slim. And frankly, I couldn't disagree more. In my own life, a wild guess tells me that the odds of me being happier with another woman is probably less than 5%. Could it happen? Sure! But am I willing to risk everything for such small odds? Not a chance in hell! I am very happy now. There's no way I'd risk everything for a potentially small increase in happiness, when the odds are that I would fail to achieve that goal.

You always hear stories about people running off with someone else, getting divorced, then marrying the new person. Then a year later, they find themselves absolutely miserable, and realizing that they made a horrible mistake. But by that time, it's generally way too late. And the person has to live with the consequences of his or her actions.

It's interesting to note that my wife and I had this conversation about a week or so before she met that other guy online. And true to her belief, she followed through with seeking more happiness elsewhere. Now, I don't know exactly what my wife's frame of mind was at the time. She never fell out of love with me, or anything as drastic as that. But I now know that she wasn't as happy as she could have been. Was she unhappy with me, or merely not as happy as she would have liked to have been? I believe it's the latter. I believe she has stated this. Did she think that she could be happier with someone else than she was with me? Apparently the possibility entered her mind, and was strong enough that she personally felt it was worth exploring.

Now as anybody knows, when you decide to cheat on your spouse, you run a serious risk of your marriage ending. Yes, there are couples who deal with infidelity and still manage to patch things up. But there are also plenty of couples that end up in divorce over cheating. And a cheating spouse knows full well the potential consequences of their actions.

In my case, I wonder what she was thinking. Was her life with me so unhappy that she felt it was worth getting a divorce? Was her life so unhappy with me that it was worth finding a place of her own and starting all over again? Was her life with me so unhappy that she felt it was worth seeing her kids grow up for only half of their lives?

If the answers to these questions were "yes" than by all means, she should have gone out and explored other options besides me. But in discussing these things with her, I don't believe that was the case at all. I tend to think that she simply acted on impulse (after all, she'd only "met" the guy online the day before) and didn't sit down and fully analyze the consequences of her actions. Had she done that, I like to think that she would have come to the conclusion that it was time to let me in on everything that was troubling her.

After everything had come out, we sat up in bed one night and talked about it. I believe it was the night of August 23rd. During that conversation, she mentioned to me point blank, "I don't know why I risked everything for an unknown." And when she said that, I laughed and responded, "THAT'S what I've always been saying!" After I said that, she smiled, and looked a bit embarrassed, knowing that she had just agreed with my philosophy, and had disagreed with her own.

MY LETTER TO THE OTHER GUY

Yesterday I wrote about how I was angry with this other guy, and wanted to fuck with him in E-mails or on Myspace. (The guy has three separate Myspace accounts!) But I won't do that. I should point out that I did write him a letter though. I wrote it back on August 26th. I just felt impelled to say a few things to him. I wanted to get my feelings out - even though I had no plans to ever send it to him - and still don't.

I told my wife I was writing the letter. And she read it. She thought it was creepy. I agreed. That was my intent, to creep him out, to put a scare into him. I wanted him to know everything I knew about him - which I must admit, was quite a lot. I used all of my internet powers to find out anything and everything I could about him. So some of this letter may not make sense, as I've never mentioned some of the details here in this blog. I've X'ed out some names and places, in order to protect the anonymity of everyone involved.

So the letter is copied below. Again, please note that I would never, ever send a letter like this. But nonetheless, this is what I was feeling at the time.

_________________________________________________


Hello XXXXXX,

I feel it's time that you and I get acquainted, considering everything XXXXXX's told me about you.

Trying to get involved with a married woman is really kind of weird, isn't it? I'm surprised that a nice "XXXXXX Christain single" like yourself would do such a thing. Certainly there must be some sort of moral code against that, isn't there?

I hear you were kind of freaked out when you heard that I not only found out about you, but I also had your cell phone number and your E-mail address. So you think you're too old to get involved with some sort of physical altercation? That's what's worrying you? For one thing, you're not even old. Being born X/XX/XX only makes you 33. That makes you younger than me.

I know that you know I called you. And had I confronted you, you would have actually claimed that you didn't know she was married? Come on now. Do you think I'm that naive? I was privy to the first few E-mail exchanges from your Craigslist ad - you know, the one where XXXXXX wrote to you, complimenting you on your XXXXXX joke, and informing you that she was indeed married. You were fully aware that I knew what she was doing. Did you think I'd forget in just a week?

Oh yes, I know a lot. I know about your time in XXXXXX. I know about XXXXXX, XXXXXX. Strange, no one has heard of XXXXXX. It's not even an official town. Yet I know about it, just like you do. I also know about XXXXXX and XXXXXX. And all sarcasm aside, I am sincerly sorry for your loss. It was lung cancer,wasn't it?

I want you to think back to your shop - last week. Think of the construction problems in the street, the torn-up sidewalk in front, the tall tables in the front window... And think about all the male customers you spoke to last week - when you were standing behind the counter, next to your female coworker. You never know who you're going to run into, do you?

I know an awful lot XXXXXX. I know your last name. I know where you live. And what I didn't know, XXXXXX filled me in on. I know everything that you talked about with her. I've seen your recent text messages, the IM's, the E-mails... I've even been shown nude photos of you. I wonder if your customers know you've been sending nude pictures of yourself across the internet.

Trying to get involved with a married woman is weird, isn't it?

Now, let's stop some of the sarcasm and snottiness. The other day you were talking on the phone with XXXXXX and you said, "Dude, you gotta get out of your marriage."

"EXCUSE ME???

First of all, don't ever address a woman by "dude" and don't use that sort of babyish tone. Maybe that's why you're not married yourself. Secondly, who in the hell do you think you are??? You've exchanged a few IM's, a few E-mails, and spent less than one hour with her. And you think you're qualified to judge her like that? You don't know ANYTHING about her! You don't know anything about her or our marriage. We have nine years invested in each other. You've got nothing.

It's time to let it go XXXXXX. Our marriage is stronger now, at this moment, than it has ever been. We have a few things to work on, sure. But we're both committed to doing that. I was inattentive. And she didn't communicate with me regarding some issues she was having. But both of those problems are being dealt with. And things are better than ever. The bottom line is that there is no place for you.

It's time to take the hint. You're being ignored. You need to move on. It was over before it ever began. Place a new ad.

XXXXXX

SAD AGAIN

So my wife has a blog of her own. She told me she had made a recent entry. So I checked it out. While there, I was scanning down over previous entries to see if anyone had made any new comments. And of course I came across an entry dated August 11th - the day after she had met with the other guy.

This entry came before 9:00 in the morning. And she mentioned me in the entry as well - in a positive light. I don't know why, but that really saddens me. Here she was writing about me, less than 10 hours after having cheated on me by meeting this guy. And (this is hard to convey in words) it's as if she doesn't have a care in the world - like the events of a few hours earlier were no big deal.

And then I see a comment written by a friend of hers - a friend who just happens to be the wife of my best friend. I mentioned her earlier in this blog. My wife told her about everything back on August 17th. This was the day after our big talk where she told me everything she'd been going through - with the exception of meeting this guy. But she told her about the guy. She made her promise not to say anything to her husband about it. But come on. That gossip is too good to withhold. I'm sure she told him. And now that makes me feel even worse.

Over the past year-and-a-half or so, my wife and I have been involved with several blogs. And on occasion, I have raved about how wonderful my wife is, and how great our marriage is. And both my friend and his wife have seen these entries. But now I feel as if I can't ever talk like that again. Because I know that if I said something like that, he'd be thinking to himself, "Well... I don't know about that..." And that sucks! It's not like I see him all that often anyway. But we still communicate via E-mail fairly regularly. But it's to the point now where I don't know if I even want to see him - just because I don't know if I'd feel comfortable around him. Knowing what he most likely now knows, is very, very embarrassing to me.

As mentioned earlier, my wife has another friend who she told all this stuff too. This friend knew of everything as it was happening. I guess I'm really bothered by the fact that this particular friend apparently never once suggested to my wife that she should talk about everything with me. My wife said that she chose not to tell me things, simply because she didn't want to hurt me. She wanted to figure everything out on her own (and hoped that it would all work itself out). Of course her failure to communicate with me nearly lead us to divorce court. I believe she regrets that now. But as for her friend, didn't she see a problem here? According to my wife, her friend was mostly concerned about my wife being happy - and that she should explore whatever options get her to that point. Fair enough. But man, if I was one of the major problems preventing her from being as happy as she could be, shouldn't she have at least suggested to her that maybe, just maybe, she should voice her concerns to me? I just don't get that. I'd be lying if I didn't think that a big part of me feels that she wanted her to have marriage problems, and didn't want her to patch things up with me. Why? Because this woman has been having severe marriage problems of her own, and had decided to get a divorce herself. Perhaps she wanted to be a kindred spirit with my wife - two friends in similar situations.

Now, back to the other friend - the wife of my longtime best friend. According to my wife, she too had a similar reaction to finding out about the other guy. She was excited about the possibility - and again, wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. But did she suggest that my wife come to me and tell me about it? No. Instead, she decided to bemoan my faults as well. I should point out that this woman has GREATLY UNFAIRLY judged me in the past for a variety of reasons that I don't need to get into here. As if she needed any other reasons not to like me. Now she has this.

Am I really that bad of a guy that two of my wife's friends seem to be perfectly ok with her cheating on me, and leaving me?

My wife also told her mother too. Although I believe in her case, she was very vague about specifics, and didn't make any mention of the other guy.

Why do I still hurt so much? Everything is fine now. Our marriage is great. But will this pain ever go away?

ANGER

It's not an emotion that I deal with very often in my life. In fact, I almost never get angry. Yet now, I find myself having to deal with angry feelings towards the other guy. I'm not sure why. Again, I don't fault him for trying to take advantage of a situation that was presented to him. Yet because of my personal involvement, I can't help but feel some feelings of resentment towards him.

I get the feeling that my occasional anger comes directly from his declaration that my wife needed to get out of her marriage. That just burns me. Part of me wants to torment him because of that - send him anonymous E-mails to fuck with him, or become one of his Myspace friends to fuck with him, or whatever. I don't have any intention of doing that though. But that doesn't mean I don't want to.

VERY HAPPY

Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to have this woman fall asleep in your arms? There is nothing better.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

My wife met this guy at a bookstore. Personally, I love bookstores - as does my wife. This particular bookstore is a new bookstore near our home. It's a huge national chain. I haven't been to this store yet, since it opened up at its new location.

And I don't ever want to go.

My wife and I have spent hours and hours in bookstores. For whatever reason, we never found our way into this one, since it reopened. And now we never will - at least together. I just wouldn't feel comfortable in there. I don't want to picture it. I don't want to picture the table that they sat at. I don't want to picture anything. It's just a mental image I don't want or need. It does kind of suck though, as the next-nearest location for that chain is about 25 miles away. Oh well.

My wife met this guy on August 10th. On August 11th, she and I went out with several other people, and had an awesome time! But looking back on it, I feel somewhat deflated about it. I now know that he was supposed to call her sometime that day. So unbeknownst to me, she spent the entire day constantly looking at her phone to see if he'd called. That fact, and knowing what took place the night before leaves me feeling depressed about the whole night we had. It sort of feels phony. I don't know how to explain it. As much fun as we had that night, the events of 24 hours earlier have now put a huge damper on the whole thing. What was once a truly great memory has now been severely soured.

On another note, in an earlier post, I made mention that I thought that the reason my wife (in my opinion) didn't seem fully committed to fixing our marriage (after our big talk, but before I knew about HIM) was because I thought there was something else (or someone else) pulling her in another direction, and she was torn. Well, I asked her about that. And she said no. She simply said that at the time, she just didn't know if she was worthy or even capable of being a good wife, or was capable of being faithful. So she didn't know if she wanted to commit fully to saving our marriage, for fear of hurting me once again.

Last night my wife went to a massage. It was a gift from her boss at work. She had told me about it a few days ago. So she was gone for maybe three hours. Now I know this is crazy. And I have absolutely no doubt in my mind (100%) that she received that massage. But still, the thought entered my mind that this would be the perfect opportunity for her to cheat on me, if she wanted to.

Again, let me reiterate that I don't for one second think that there was anything funny going on. Yet the thought of the possibility popped into my head. Why? Why did that happen? No, I wasn't paranoid. I knew nothing was going on. Yet the thought enters my mind anyway. I don't understand that. Is that part of the hurt I've been feeling? Am I going to be forced to think about such things now? I don't want that - especially when I know it's untrue.

On a much more upbeat note, I E-mailed my wife yesterday and told her how good I felt about us and our marriage. Over the past few weeks, she has seemed to be more loving than she's ever been. I really feel that we are stronger now than we've ever been at any point in our relationship. She wrote me back and said she agreed with me. She's felt it too. And that was such a wonderful E-mail to read. It was one of those moments that made me feel warm all over.

Things are good. There is still some hurting on my part, and probably will be for awhile. But I know that things are good with us.

TIME MARCHES ON - MORE THOUGHTS

Last week I experienced something new. For the first time since all these events happened, I went a full day without thinking about it and dwelling on it at least once. In fact, it happened three days in a row. It was nice. I wish everyday could be like that. But it doesn't work that way.

It's interesting. When I'm around my wife, everything is great. It's like life is back to normal, and everything is as wonderful as it's always been. It's when I'm alone, driving in my car, or sitting at work, where my mind can wander back to those horrible days of August. Will the hurt ever go away completely? I don't believe she's experiencing any of the pain that I'm feeling. In her life, she's simply moved on from these events. It's all over and done with. Of course I didn't hurt her. She hurt me. And the pain still lingers.

If anyone were to ask me how things were going in our marriage, I would say "great." And I would be telling the truth. Things are going great. We are progressing quite well, and I have no doubt that we will happily be together for the rest of our lives. So why does my mind linger back to all the negative events? I don't know. It makes no sense to me. When I sit and dwell on such things, all it does is get me down. Yet I just can't help it. Am I a glutton for punishment sometimes?

Last weekend, she apologized to me for everything that happened, and apologized for the hurt feelings that I experienced because of it. That was nice to hear. Although I think she had already apologized to me for it. It wasn't necessary though, as I take full responsibility for my actions (or lack thereof) that lead to her doing what she did. I don't consider myself a victim here. Well, if anything, I'm a co-victim.

Regarding the "other guy" I've come to a conclusion about him. I now believe that he was in it only for sex. Now I don't blame him for anything. After all, he was merely trying to take advantage of a situation. My wife made the initial move on him. And he just took the bait. If I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. I don't think he should have any moral issues regarding it. If (and I emphasize the word "if") anyone in this scenario should have them, it would be my wife. And I kind of feel bad for my wife in this case. He obviously said all the right things to her. And she clearly developed some very strong feelings for him in the short time they got to know each other. But did he get those same feelings? I don't think so. I believe what he felt was lust.

When he contacted her again (after I had found out about everything) he told her that prior to knowing that I'd found out about him, he thought they could carry on an affair - that could "possibly" lead to something more. Again, I don't fault him for this. I would have acted the same was as him. But then when she pushed him away, he began to go on the offensive a bit. At one point, he said, "Dude, you gotta get out of your marriage." Now this really pisses me off! Who the hell does he think he is? What makes him think he has the right to judge something like that? He knows nothing about our marriage!

So my wife tells him that she doesn't know if she wants to get out of her marriage. Yet he still pushes the issue. When she casually mentions the fear of living on her own again, he got very defensive and said something like, "Woah! Wait a second. I can't support you!" Of course my wife fired back in shock, "I don't want you to support me!"

This guy said and did everything right, up until the point at which my wife began to turn him away. At that point, according to her, he became sort of whiney, and acted like a baby. All this leads me to believe he was after just one thing - sex.

Think about it. He knew full well that my wife carried a lot of "baggage." Specifically, she was a married woman with two small kids. Plus she has very little free time. Based on all of that, the "possibility" of an affair leading to something more is pretty slim. Of course it happens in life. But he's already got a bunch of things going against him before he even got started. Therefore, I think he looked at my wife as the ideal situation. He saw her as someone he could get laid with from time to time, then go home to his own life without taking any of her baggage with him. In this scenario, he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

So like I mentioned earlier, I feel sorry for my wife. Because I know she had feelings for this guy. But I don't believe he had the same feelings for her. I believe, in the end, his real motivation was just something physical. When she did cut all ties with him, I'm sure she had a sense of loss or disappointment as to what could have been. But again, in all honesty, I don't believe he was interested in what "could have been," short of the occasional romp.

I now find myself wondering if everything is ok with us. Granted, I honestly believe that everything is great. But there will probably be a small part of me that is going to wonder for a long, long time, whether or not I'm right about that. I have to trust that she'll tell me if something's wrong. I have to trust that she won't keep her feelings bottled up inside. I have to trust that if she ever wants to move on in life without me, she'll tell me so right away, so as not to lead me down a path of being oblivious to problems.

On the night we had our first big talk, she told me what problems she had with me. She knew she hurt me greatly. She then asked me to tell her what problems I had with her. At that point, I think she was in the mode of "I hurt you, now I want you to hurt me." But I had nothing to tell her. Truth is, she's a wonderful woman, and has always been great to me. The only issues I've ever had with her has been petty stuff, such as putting the toilet paper roll on the wrong way. I think she was looking for me to light into her. And my lack of a response surprised her - and may have made her feel even worse, considering how her responses to me made me feel.

The one lingering thought that stands out more than any, is that had this other guy's mother not died, my marriage would have ended.

Had she not died, knowing my wife as I do, and knowing what frame of mind she was in at that time, she probably would have found some time to sneak away with him for a few hours the following week. She would have told me something like how she needed to have a few hours for herself because the kids had driven her crazy that day or something. And I would have had no problem with it. So she'd have gone out, would have had sex, then would have come home. How long would this affair last? I don't know. But I would have found out about it soon enough. And I know that our marriage wouldn't survive her having an affair behind my back. So had she not died, I would be going through a divorce right now. And I wouldn't just be divorcing my wife. I would be divorcing my best friend. And just the mere thought of that puts a pit in my stomach. It terrifies me to know just how close we came to divorce. I don't ever want to get that close again.

So this woman's death saved my marriage. Life is weird sometimes.