I'm having a hard time understanding how something like this could have happened so fucking quickly. I mean really. On Thursday, August 9th, my wife woke up with no knowledge of this other guy's existence. And on the very next day, she's giving him a blowjob in a parking lot.
What???
My God, is this normal?
You know, not that it would make me feel any better, but at least I could understand what happened, had she known this guy a long time. Had she met him online and got to know him over a period of time - say several weeks or even months, I could understand how a potential relationship could grow and cultivate. But that didn't happen here. They exhanged a few E-mails and instant messages, and the next thing you know...
My wife has since told me that she feels this guy is a douchebag. Those are her exact words. In all honesty, the guy has turned into a whiney, immature baby. And you know, he always was. But for that one day, he was on his best behavior. The other night, she literally said, "I can't believe I almost threw my marriage away over a total douchebag." My only point is this. Had she actually taken the time to get to know him, his douchebag character would undoubtedly have surfaced for her to see. And then none of this would have happened.
If I were an authority figure, I might be tempted to say to her, "Have you learned a lesson from this?" I mean, she acted on total impulse, and basically did what she did, on a total whim. As stupid as it sounds, perhaps the lesson learned was to wait until you really and truly know someone before you escalate things so quickly.
I have forgiven. But I can't forget. I only hope that I'm able to not throw it back in her face if I ever get into an argument with her. I don't believe I will though. I'm usually pretty good at holding back in situations like that.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
EATING
Well, I am now eating a sandwich. It's the first food I've had in over 24 hours. I had completely lost my appetite - which for me is saying something.
My wife came to see me during my lunch hour. We had a nice, healthy talk. And we are both going to go forward with keeping our marriage together. Without getting into details, we have a very unique marriage - different than probably 99% of other married couples. And that's the way we like it. Our marriage is too special to throw it all away over one momentary lapse in judgement - which I played a part in.
We will move forward and be happy.
My wife came to see me during my lunch hour. We had a nice, healthy talk. And we are both going to go forward with keeping our marriage together. Without getting into details, we have a very unique marriage - different than probably 99% of other married couples. And that's the way we like it. Our marriage is too special to throw it all away over one momentary lapse in judgement - which I played a part in.
We will move forward and be happy.
AMAZING
I've always had a theory that a cheating spouse will eventually always get caught. I'm not sure that's 100% true. But I think it's true more often than not. Because no matter how careful the cheating spouse may be, there are always unforseen things that could pop up to expose him or her.
In my case, every lie, every cheat, every realization came about through no effort of my own. I didn't spy on her. I didn't do anything. I was simply observant. And eventually the other guy took it upon himself to reveal more - right out of the blue, more than two months after the fact. His actions were unforseen.
This sucks.
In my case, every lie, every cheat, every realization came about through no effort of my own. I didn't spy on her. I didn't do anything. I was simply observant. And eventually the other guy took it upon himself to reveal more - right out of the blue, more than two months after the fact. His actions were unforseen.
This sucks.
NIGHTMARE
What a difference a day makes.
So last night, out of the blue, the "other guy" sends an instant message to my wife. My wife wasn't home. I was. It was a friendly message alerting her that he had recently moved to an area very close to where we live. He wanted to know if they could see each other. Now I was angry. Pretending to be her, I told him no, that his involvement in my life had almost cost my marriage, and that he shouldn't make any contact anymore. Well, he got angry about that and fired off a few immature comments of his own. But then he also made a startling revelation. Apparently my wife had given him a blowjob the night they met.
I played along a little bit, and was able to confirm that the deed did in fact occur.
Now I was crushed. And in all honesty, it wasn't the act itself. It was my wife's lack of honesty about it that hurt the most. Why hadn't she told me the truth? After all that we've been through, after all the talk of honesty and open communication, she left this one BIG thing out. I decided right then and there that I could no longer be with her. She continues to hurt me over and over again. And despite promise after promise, she simply refuses to be completely open and honest with me.
I confronted her about it. I told her I knew what really happened that night. I asked her to tell me the truth. She denied it. I asked her again. She denied it. I asked her about four times before she finally blurted out, "We kissed." I then told her to go on. And again, she denied anything further occurred. She was lying to my face. And I knew it. I simply told her that we were through. How could she lie right to my face, when both of us knew the truth?
She ended up going to the home of a friend of hers. We briefly talked on the phone. She confirmed that she was coming home. And I confirmed with her that my decision to divorce her was also final. For the record, she stated that she didn't want that. And she also finally admitted the truth - that she had in fact given him a blowjob that night.
When she came home, we talked for a couple of hours. We talked about the logistics of divorce - how we would go about it with the kids, are house, our pets... I told her that I had no choice but to go through with the divorce. Staying with her would simply dash any self respect for myself I have left. How can I stay with someone who clearly has little respect for me or our marriage? I even asked her what she thinks would hurt me more, being told something that would hurt my feelings, or finding out about it on my own. I assure you, it's the latter. It's not even close. I told her that had she told me about this two months ago, I would have forgiven her.
And then the realization kicked in. I begin to tear up as I type this. But I love this woman so much. I don't want to divorce her. I want to be with her. I want to hang out with her. I want to laugh with her. I just want her. Sure, I could move on and start a new life without her. But I don't want to. I think the odds of me finding someone as wonderful as her (in so many respects) is miniscule. I found the perfect woman for me. So how can I get past this hurt?
I retracted my declaration of divorce. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust her. I don't know what to do. Today I am humiliated. Today I am sad. I am very, very sad.
So last night, out of the blue, the "other guy" sends an instant message to my wife. My wife wasn't home. I was. It was a friendly message alerting her that he had recently moved to an area very close to where we live. He wanted to know if they could see each other. Now I was angry. Pretending to be her, I told him no, that his involvement in my life had almost cost my marriage, and that he shouldn't make any contact anymore. Well, he got angry about that and fired off a few immature comments of his own. But then he also made a startling revelation. Apparently my wife had given him a blowjob the night they met.
I played along a little bit, and was able to confirm that the deed did in fact occur.
Now I was crushed. And in all honesty, it wasn't the act itself. It was my wife's lack of honesty about it that hurt the most. Why hadn't she told me the truth? After all that we've been through, after all the talk of honesty and open communication, she left this one BIG thing out. I decided right then and there that I could no longer be with her. She continues to hurt me over and over again. And despite promise after promise, she simply refuses to be completely open and honest with me.
I confronted her about it. I told her I knew what really happened that night. I asked her to tell me the truth. She denied it. I asked her again. She denied it. I asked her about four times before she finally blurted out, "We kissed." I then told her to go on. And again, she denied anything further occurred. She was lying to my face. And I knew it. I simply told her that we were through. How could she lie right to my face, when both of us knew the truth?
She ended up going to the home of a friend of hers. We briefly talked on the phone. She confirmed that she was coming home. And I confirmed with her that my decision to divorce her was also final. For the record, she stated that she didn't want that. And she also finally admitted the truth - that she had in fact given him a blowjob that night.
When she came home, we talked for a couple of hours. We talked about the logistics of divorce - how we would go about it with the kids, are house, our pets... I told her that I had no choice but to go through with the divorce. Staying with her would simply dash any self respect for myself I have left. How can I stay with someone who clearly has little respect for me or our marriage? I even asked her what she thinks would hurt me more, being told something that would hurt my feelings, or finding out about it on my own. I assure you, it's the latter. It's not even close. I told her that had she told me about this two months ago, I would have forgiven her.
And then the realization kicked in. I begin to tear up as I type this. But I love this woman so much. I don't want to divorce her. I want to be with her. I want to hang out with her. I want to laugh with her. I just want her. Sure, I could move on and start a new life without her. But I don't want to. I think the odds of me finding someone as wonderful as her (in so many respects) is miniscule. I found the perfect woman for me. So how can I get past this hurt?
I retracted my declaration of divorce. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust her. I don't know what to do. Today I am humiliated. Today I am sad. I am very, very sad.
Monday, October 22, 2007
THE WEEKEND
Well, on Friday, shortly after my last blog entry, I told my wife about my thoughts that perhaps I needed therapy. I also shared this blog with her.
She read the whole thing. We talked a little bit about it. She didn't seem to have any disagreements or anger about anything I wrote. And she tried to answer some of the questions I posed. On Saturday night, we actually sat on the couch and talked for about two hours. It was a wonderful conversation. And it reaffirmed my belief that our marriage is very, very strong. The next morning at breakfast, she even commented that she felt really good about our talk.
I feel great. And I haven't been down or depressed about any of this shit since last week. I'm happy about that.
She read the whole thing. We talked a little bit about it. She didn't seem to have any disagreements or anger about anything I wrote. And she tried to answer some of the questions I posed. On Saturday night, we actually sat on the couch and talked for about two hours. It was a wonderful conversation. And it reaffirmed my belief that our marriage is very, very strong. The next morning at breakfast, she even commented that she felt really good about our talk.
I feel great. And I haven't been down or depressed about any of this shit since last week. I'm happy about that.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
OH WELL
Another week goes by, and little has changed. I'm happy overall, to be sure. But I just can't stop thinking about all of this shit. I wake up in the middle of the night - and I think about it. I sit at work - and I think about. I had about four or five days in a row at work where I did very little. I simply can't concentrate on my job because I have to think about all of this. Why???
Maybe I need some therapy or something. I just can't seem to let go. Have I done something cruel in life to deserve this pain? When this stuff is on my mind, I'm miserable, absolutely miserable.
On another note, I did send her an E-mail shortly after my last blog entry. And for the record, she promised she would never steer me down this road again. If she ever felt a need to move on from me, or had doubts about the viability of our marriage, she promised to tell me immediately. While that would be a horrible thing to happen, that's a promise that needs to be kept. I have to trust her on this.
Maybe I just need to talk all of this out with her again. I don't know. All I know is that this sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I need her by my side not to be miserable. And that simply isn't feasible.
Maybe I need some therapy or something. I just can't seem to let go. Have I done something cruel in life to deserve this pain? When this stuff is on my mind, I'm miserable, absolutely miserable.
On another note, I did send her an E-mail shortly after my last blog entry. And for the record, she promised she would never steer me down this road again. If she ever felt a need to move on from me, or had doubts about the viability of our marriage, she promised to tell me immediately. While that would be a horrible thing to happen, that's a promise that needs to be kept. I have to trust her on this.
Maybe I just need to talk all of this out with her again. I don't know. All I know is that this sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I need her by my side not to be miserable. And that simply isn't feasible.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Well, I'm sick and tired of beating myself up over all of this. I'm sick of dwelling on all this negativity. It serves no purpose. I need to move on. I really do.
A few days ago, I asked my wife how she would describe these events to a friend of hers (who doesn't know about any of this) in the future - no friend in particular. She didn't really want to talk about it. She didn't know what to say, other than something like, "I guess I would just say that I thought I could make a connection with someone else."
Why did I ask her this? Why do I continue to think about this? What did I want to hear from her? Did I want her to tell her friend that it was her fault, or that she did something dumb, or that she regretted not being communicative, or that she had an exciting few days with the prospect of somebody new? I don't know. I wasn't looking for any particular answer. I was just curious. Whatever answer she gave me, would it matter?
I've read the other guy's Myspace blogs. He wrote an entry on August 26th - a day or two after the final goodbye, and a day before the truly final goodbye. He was not in a good mood. He lamented on how awful the month of August had been - losing his mother, his business suffering, and of course "losing his woman." Strange, you can't lose what you never had! All he lost was a prospect.
I think I've said all that needs to be said. I've thought all that needs to be thought. I have to try to put it all behind me and move on. I know I will still hurt. And I know I will still think about it sometimes - perhaps for a long time. But I've got to do whatever I can to let it go.
All I know is this. I can't go through this again - not like this. I won't accept this level of pain and hurt. If my wife ever gets to a point where she feels that she needs to move on from me, I can accept that. But she needs to be honest about immediately. There can be no "stringing me along" for months while I'm completely oblivious to any problems. I think I should tell her this.
I love my wife dearly. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together for the rest of our lives.
A few days ago, I asked my wife how she would describe these events to a friend of hers (who doesn't know about any of this) in the future - no friend in particular. She didn't really want to talk about it. She didn't know what to say, other than something like, "I guess I would just say that I thought I could make a connection with someone else."
Why did I ask her this? Why do I continue to think about this? What did I want to hear from her? Did I want her to tell her friend that it was her fault, or that she did something dumb, or that she regretted not being communicative, or that she had an exciting few days with the prospect of somebody new? I don't know. I wasn't looking for any particular answer. I was just curious. Whatever answer she gave me, would it matter?
I've read the other guy's Myspace blogs. He wrote an entry on August 26th - a day or two after the final goodbye, and a day before the truly final goodbye. He was not in a good mood. He lamented on how awful the month of August had been - losing his mother, his business suffering, and of course "losing his woman." Strange, you can't lose what you never had! All he lost was a prospect.
I think I've said all that needs to be said. I've thought all that needs to be thought. I have to try to put it all behind me and move on. I know I will still hurt. And I know I will still think about it sometimes - perhaps for a long time. But I've got to do whatever I can to let it go.
All I know is this. I can't go through this again - not like this. I won't accept this level of pain and hurt. If my wife ever gets to a point where she feels that she needs to move on from me, I can accept that. But she needs to be honest about immediately. There can be no "stringing me along" for months while I'm completely oblivious to any problems. I think I should tell her this.
I love my wife dearly. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together for the rest of our lives.
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