So nearly a week has passed since my last entry. I discovered a message board which is designed to help people in my position. And my posts over there have actually lured a couple of people over to this blog. So maybe I have an audience now.
That board recommends that when you find out your wife is carrying on an affair, the best thing to do is expose it to everyone - family, friends and coworkers. Yikes! That is a radical concept, to be sure. But in a way, I can understand it. If the goal is to stop the affair, then why not embarrass the cheating spouse? Apparently it does work. Oh, and you should also notify the spouse of the other party as well - if there is one.
So in my case, I should have told my wife's parents, her friends, and her coworkers. I also should have told the customers and Myspace friends of the other guy. Of course I found out about everything after it was all over with. So there would be no point to do that now.
I wonder though. If I'm ever in that position again, should I do it? For the record, I don't believe I'll ever have to face that nightmare again. But if I were to be in that position again, would I expose her? I don't know. Right now, my opinion is that if it happens again, we're absolutely through. This is her final "second chance." If she cheats again, I'm done. And if I'm done, why would I care what she does? Exposing her at that point would simply be an act of malice. And I'm not a malicious person.
However, who knows what frame of mind I'd be in. Maybe I would want to try and salvage our marriage once again. If so, then yes, I would expose her. As difficult a task as that would be, I would do it. It might get ugly. But, I would do it.
Now, to the subject of this post. As I've talked about before, my wife's best friend knew about everything before, during and after it happened. I was none the wiser. I've mentioned this before. But it's worth repeating. Because circumstances now require it.
This friend of hers knew that my wife was having severe marital problems. And yet she never encouraged her to talk to me about them. I've never understood that. It just boggles my mind. My wife loves this woman and would heed her advice. I know that if this friend had pushed her a bit to confront me with the problems she was having at the time, my wife would have done it in a heartbeat. This friend has enough pull with her to do that. And had she done that, none of this shit would have happened - no cheating, no nothing. We would have begun our healing process without all of the added bullshit. Does that bother me? FUCK YEAH!
One other thing about her is that even after I found out about her cheating, and after my wife and I began to mend our marriage, she still ENCOURAGED her not to close any doors. She ENCOURAGED her to explore other options without me, in addition to the option of staying with me and fixing our marriage.
Now you tell me, what kind of friend is that? My wife had already decided to work with me to fix our marriage. And here she is basically saying to her "not so fast."
Now you tell me. How am I supposed to react to that? How the hell am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to be accepting of her after she's done something like that?
Don't get me wrong. This friend is a nice person. But in my opinion, she made some unforgivable errors in judgement. So now I'm left with extreme resentment towards her. Is it justified? I think so. No, I know so!
Last Friday, my wife and this friend both attended some sort of expo where women were selling crafts and things. Since my wife had only seen our two kids for about 30 minutes that day, I was going to surprise her by stopping by and hanging out for awhile. But that was before I knew that her best friend was going to be there too. I'm no longer comfortable around her. So my surprise was scrapped. And we stayed home.
This friend has a party every three or four months. We're always invited to them. And she has one tentatively planned in a few weeks. I've said very little about it. For one thing, I thought we probably couldn't attend anyway, as my wife would be working that night. Unfortunately, we found out yesterday that she has that night off.
Great. Now this forces me into a confrontation that I was hoping to avoid. I have no intention of going to that party. I just can't. I would be very uncomfortable and not happy. And I don't think I would be really good at faking it in this situation. If my wife wants to go, that's fine. I have no problem if she wants to hang out and have a good time. I wish I could do it with her. But I just can't. So how do I break it to her? I know she'll be disappointed in me. She may even resent me for it. She may even think that I'm "punishing" her for her indiscretion. I don't know what to do. But I'll probably just avoid it as long as I can.
Life sucks sometimes.
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2 comments:
MB's philosophy is that a friend like that should be ditched. She is obviously no friend of your marriage. Of course, if she came round and apologised, and promised to support your wife in her decision to save your marriage, then that would be a matter worth considering. Then you would be able to meet with her with no problem. I think your W needs to make it clear to her friend that she does not want any negative talk about your marriage.
I believe there is no need to 'confront' your wife on the party issue. You should discuss your feelings and displeasure in a reasonable manner, voicing your concerns about the situation and stating your boundaries that this friend needs to support you both in rebuilding, or she is no longer a friend that you would be happy for her to associate with.
On exposing the affair to other people - I misunderstood this concept at first, and I am glad I didn't do it, as I would have done it totally wrong. You don't go blabbing to all and sundry in a vindictive way - you do it in such a way as to 'enlist' people to help you end the affair by speaking to the WS in such a way as to make them see the error of their ways. When the affair is over, exposing is not necessary. If yours is a false recovery, and the affair starts up again, then you would be justified in exposing.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I do believe she supports my wife's decision. But her recommendation to "explore other options besides me" is something that I consider unforgivable - especially since she said so at a time when my wife had already decided to work to save our marriage.
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