WHAT HAPPENED?

Something happened in my life recently. And I've felt the need to put it into words. So here it is.

My wife and I have been married for seven years - together for nine. Our relationship is somewhat unique. We never argue. We never yell and scream. We've been as solid as any couple could be. There was never any doubt that we were soulmates for life. Our relationship was the envy of other people we knew. We've had a crisis or two that we've dealt with. We've had some financial problems. But our love and trust for each other had never wavered. Life wasn't just good. It was great!

Then something happened.

On August 15th, as we laid together in bed, somehow the conversation turned towards clothes. There's been an ongoing "battle" between us over the years. I don't like to dress up. I'm more of a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy. She prefers more of a dressed-up look - a preppy look. And that's just not me. If anyone were to ask me what one thing my wife would want to change about me, my answer would always be, "my wardrobe."

Well, on this night, she really stressed to me just how much my lack of dressing up bothered her. As it turned out, it wasn't really a joke to her - like I had always thought it was. She truly was bothered by the fact that I never (well almost never) dress up. Her passion about the subject was very clear. I was floored. I had no idea just how much this issue meant to her. Once I grasped it, I compromised with her, and assured her that I would dress up from time to time. I'd have done it years ago, had I known to what degree this issue bothered her.

So the next day, I was really disappointed in myself. I've always been very observant of people. Yet I somehow never knew how much my wardrobe upset my wife. How could I have missed that?

So anyway, I turned up my power of observation. And I began to think back to very recent events. And I noticed a disturbing trend. I got the feeling that my wife was getting annoyed with me. All my quirks were suddenly starting to bother her. And I thought that perhaps she didn't want me around any longer. All of these thoughts flooded my head - all within less than 24 hours. Was I right? Or was I just overthinking? I had to know.

So that night, I approached her in the bedroom. As she came in, I asked her, "Am I losing you? Because I think I am." That's a pretty heavy question. But she sat down on the bed with me and began to unload. For the next hour or so, she presented her feelings to me in a way that left me absolutely dumbfounded.

She said that in the previous six to eight months or so, she was "not as happy as she could be." She told me that we weren't growing as a couple. There was part of her that was longing for something else - what it was, she wasn't sure. She wasn't even sure if she was longing for something (or someone) else. All she knew is that she wasn't happy. And she needed to fix that, and find herself again. She even mentioned that in the previous week, she had (for the first time) begun to consider divorce as a possible option.

I was devastated. I was floored. I had no idea any of this was going on. I thought we were as solid as we ever were. I was hurt. My biggest question was why she had never bothered to tell me any of this. As her husband, the one who loves her most, I consider it part of my duty to help her with any issues she has. So why had she kept me out of the loop?

She said she didn't want to hurt me. She said she wanted to work everything out for herself. Of course my thought was that if things are going so bad that divorce enters her mind, isn't that a red flag that it's time to fill me in?

I asked her if she WANTED to fix our marriage. She responded with, "I want to try." I found that response a bit vague - like she perhaps wanted to just give a half-hearted effort so she can always say, "Well, I tried, but it didn't work."

I shed a lot of tears that night.

The next day was a rough one. I felt like I was in a fog. She sent me an E-mail early in the morning, telling me she loved me. But in my mind, I'm thinking, "Is that enough?" I mean, I love her. She loves me. Yet somehow our marriage is dangling on the brink? Is that the definition of irony?

Over the next few days, we continued to talk about things. She was concerned not only about our marriage, but about her own well-being also. I can do my part to help fix our marriage. But there may not be a lot I can do to help her with herself.

As it turns out, she thought that a lot of the household responsibilities were falling solely on her shoulders. I have a full-time job. She is a stay-at-home mom, with two kids. And she ends up doing most of the parenting, cooking, cleaning and yardwork. This was an issue with her - and rightfully so. But I promised to make an effort to contribute my share around the house. It was only fair. And she was right. For her part, she promised to communicate with me fully, so as something like this would never happen again. Honesty and communication was key. We both agreed.

So I made the effort. And she noticed. She commented that everything was getting better, and that she felt we were moving in the right direction. Yet I wasn't convinced. She still seemed vague, and a bit distant. Something didn't seem right to me. And I began to get suspicious.

She didn't seem 100% committed to fixing our marriage. I got the impression that there was something else she wasn't telling me - something she was holding back. She said the right things, but seemed to lack conviction in doing so. So what would hold her back from fully committing to fixing "us?" I felt that she was torn. But what was I missing?

So on August 20th, I got sneaky. I took a look at her new cell phone bill. I examined it a bit and noticed something troubling. On the night of August 10th, there were several calls to a suspicious number. I remembered that night. She had gone out to a bookstore. I immediately began to think the worst. I noticed that right after the store closed, she made another call to that number. About 10 minutes later, there was a call from me. Once my call ended, she called the other number again.

She was cheating on me. I was sure of it. I called the number, and got the voicemail of some guy.

After our kids went to bed, I called her in the living room and presented her cell phone bill to her. I pointed to the calls on the 10th, and asked for an explanation. I told her, "I want the truth this time."

She looked bewildered. I caught her completely off guard. She stumbled a bit, but managed to come up with, "It's not what you think." She then explained that it was a guy who runs a business in the city - a type of business that she herself would like to run someday.

But I knew she was lying. I knew it. I said to her, "Why don't I believe you?" I then got up and began to walk away, saying, "I think we're through. " She then said, "Wait." For the next minute, things were intense. I was fuming. She knew it. She remained sheepish, and had a hard time looking at me. I asked if she met him. She said she had. At one point, she said, "We made a connection."

At that point, I stormed out of the room, leaving her. A minute later, she followed me into the computer room. I said, "You really love to hurt me, don't you? She said, "No." I then said, "Honesty and communication - that's all we've talked about. And now this!" She then said, "Well let's talk." I once again stormed out of the room, stating, "I am furious with you! There's nothing more to talk about!" I then went upstairs and got into bed.

About 20 minutes later, she came up to join me. She wanted to talk about it. I didn't. For the first time in my life, I was furious with her. But we talked anyway. I insinuated that if we were to divorce, I wanted 50% custody of our kids. Our talk was very intense. She told me everything. She said she had met this guy online - sort of by accident. And they had started E-mailing each other. This was all done a few days before they'd met. They'd met at the bookstore and had talked for less than an hour. There had been no sex. It was just talking. But clearly a connection had been made. And they talked about what the next step of this budding relationship would be. He had promised to call her the next day.

But he didn't. It took a couple of days. And when he did respond (via a text message) he said that his mom had died, and he'd be out of state for awhile. So my wife pined for this guy to some degree, for several days. In the interim, all of our own issues came out in the open. She assured me that she hadn't heard from him in over a week - after he'd said his mom had died.

I again fell back on the question I'd had a few days earlier. Why had she never bothered to tell me anything that she was going through? Things in her life had obviously gone from ok, to bad, to worse. All the while she was trying to sort it out herself, and not get me involved. But I couldn't understand her reasoning. Things had gotten so bad that she was not only thinking about divorce, but she was going out on a mini-date with some other guy behind my back. I shudder to think what would have happened had he not had to leave town for a funeral. Suppose he had called her the next day? Would they have met up to have an affair? She has since told me that at the time, she was seriously considering having an affair with this guy. Our marriage took a real hit with all this - and nothing really happened. Based on same, I don't believe our marriage would have survived an actual affair.

I felt like a doormat. I felt like the guy she could fall back on, if this new guy didn't work out. I also know that she revealed all of this to two friends of hers - two friends that I also have some contact with. That makes me feel humilated to know that they were privy to all of this behind my back. They knew what was going on before I did. That hurts. As of this writing, I have not been around either of these two friends. But I know that I'll be seeing both of them real soon. And I don't know how comfortable I'll feel around them. My wife has told me that both of them stressed to her that she needed to do what she needed to do to be happy. Yet they both knew (again, before I did) that she had cheated on me by going out to meet this guy. That is incredibly humiliating to me. How can I even look them in the eye, knowing what they know? Because despite how neutral they may have tried to be, the point is that they are her friends, not mine. And they are going to side with her - even if it's to the smallest degree. They won't look at me as being the victim. They'll look at her as if to say, "What did HE do to drive her to cheat?" That's just what friends do. It's human nature. While I do accept responsibility for my own shortcomings that lead to all this unpleasantness, I do feel that I'm a victim too. But her friends won't see it that way. They'll side with her. I don't know how I'll feel when I see them next.

As hurt as I was by this new chain of events, I think she felt worse. She couldn't understand why she had risked everything over an unknown. She also felt terrible about what she had done to me. I believe she spent the next day or two in a bit of a fog as well. But we both agreed to move on from this and truly begin the healing process. I asked her point blank if she saw us together five years from now. She said, "yes - but I don't know if I could have said that a week ago." But she said yes now. And that's all I wanted to hear.

On Tuesday August 21st, I felt a driving need to see the guy who had come between my wife and I. His business was not far from my work. So on my lunch hour, I drove down to see him. He was there. We even engaged in a very brief conversation. I obviously didn't let him know who I was. After I left, I felt at peace with him. But I also felt as if something was still going to happen. He was back in town. I figured he'd try to contact my wife. Why wouldn't he?

Between Tuesday and Thursday of that week, I asked her a couple of times whether or not he'd made contact with her. She said no. However, on Thursday, something just didn't feel right with me. I had a horrible day at work, trying to sort through all of this in my mind. I knew that the two of them had made a connection. I figured he'd try to call her again. And I wondered what her reaction would be.

I slowly came to a conclusion - one that could potentially devastate me. As much as I love her, I knew that this whole situation that she was going through was not just about her and I. It was also about her. So I came to the realization that if she feels she needs to explore a path with him, she had to do it. It's only fair to herself. Perhaps this was the ultimate sacrifice on my part - a selfless act. As much as I would be hurt by losing her, I knew she had to do what she had to do, for her.

A strange calmness fell over me - as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew what I had to do. So we spoke on the phone. And I asked her, "If this guy calls you again - or if you call him again, are you interested in exploring a possible relationship with him? I told her to be honest with me, and that if she said yes, I'd be ok with that - hurt, but ok. She was stunned by my revelation. She told me she admired my ability to say that to her. She also told me that as far as she was concerned, she was in it to fix "us" - and that she wasn't interested in exploring a relationship with the other guy.

Needless to say, I was quite happy. I felt elated. I felt like everything was right. Earlier in that same day, I had sent her a long E-mail, explaining that I had in fact taken her for granted over the years on a variety of things. I apologized and promised that I would fix those things about me immediately. And to date, I have. We still have more work to do. But I know we'll be fine.

That night, she had a long talk with her best friend - one of the two friends who knew everything about our situation. When she got home, we had a nice long talk to. And for the first time during this situation, she completely opened up to me. She held back nothing. I told her that this is what I've needed her to tell me for quite some time. For once, there was complete honesty. She told me that now, more than ever before, she was 100% committed to our marriage, and was positive that we would be together for the long haul.

There was one bit of unfinished business. When I spoke to her on that Thursday, she'd asked me "Why now?" - in reference to why I was offering her the option to explore a relationship with the other guy. I had told her simply that she had to do what she had to do, for her. That was true. However, what I failed to mention to her was that I was pretty sure that this guy had in fact contacted her again. Like I mentioned, I knew he was back in town. The two of them had made a connection. So why wouldn't he?

Well, On Saturday, August 25th, I called her at work and told her the truth. I also told her that I didn't think she had been truthful with me. She admitted it. She then told me that this guy had contact her on Wednesday and Thursday of that week - the day after I'd seen him, and the day I made the offer to explore a relationship with him. She then apologized profusely about not telling me about it, saying that the minute she blurted out "no" (when I'd asked if he'd contacted her) she immediately regretted it.

She went on to say that they had spoken on the phone once, and had E-mailed a few times on both days. When they spoke on Thursday, she told him that a lot had happened, and that I knew about everything. They both agreed that it was simply not meant to be, and that it was time to say goodbye. As she hung up the phone, she took a deep breath and said, "That's over." She then thought that she could now move forward and concentrate on her marriage.

But it wasn't quite over. 20 minutes after saying goodbye, he sent her a text message. Then they exhanged a few E-mails again.

On Friday he was silent. But during that Saturday phone call I had with her, he texted again, asking if she was available to come over that afternoon. She asked me what she should do. I told her to ignore it - that he'd get the hint soon. But he didn't. Throughout Saturday and Sunday, he sent several messages on her phone and the computer. She showed me all of them. With some of the computer ones, I was actually the one sitting in front of the screen receiving them. All of them went unanswered.

On Monday, she finally decided to respond, sending him a final goodbye letter, stating that she was fully committed to saving her marriage, and that she simply couldn't continue communicating with him. She copied me in on the E-mail, and informed him she was doing so. "No more secrets" she said. After one final (somewhat childish) reply, he finally got the hint.

If there's any consolation to me, it's that after that initial one-on-one meeting they had together, he turned into somewhat of a baby. While my wife was clearly seeking much more than just sex, it seemed to me that he regressed from "all-around nice guy" mode to "maybe I just want to get laid" mode. According to my wife, he went from stimulating adult, to somewhat of a whiney child when he didn't get his way.

On the night I confronted her with the information about the other guy, I told her that I had completely lost all trust in her. I asked her, "How can I ever trust you again?" I like to think that I have since overcome my initial feelings, and have placed my trust back in her. I haven't pried into her privacy. I haven't snooped, read E-mails, or whatever... I believe I trust her. But I don't know for sure. It's very hard to put that trust back. But I think I have.

There is one more issue regarding trust. Can I trust her to be fully open with me in the future? It's clear that the lack of communication escalated everything. I truly believe that there is nothing that she and I can't work through and overcome if we work at it. But in this case, we were never given the chance to work it out until it was almost too late. What scares me the most is that this isn't the first time she has kept something bottled up inside - away from me. There were at least two other issues that had come up in the past where she had chosen to keep her feelings private. On those two occasions, I eventually found out. And both times she promised never to keep me out of the loop again. But then all this happened. I just have to believe and trust in her that there won't be a fourth occasion. This third one almost ended our marriage. There can't be a fourth.

So there we are. As I write this, it's been four weeks since the events of this blog entry came to be. I am in a better place today. Although I do get scared when I think about what could have happened, had things not fallen perfectly into place, I feel more than confident about my marriage. I feel that these events have in fact made us stronger already. I know in my heart that my wife and I will be with each other forever.

I will never take you for granted again. I love you more than words could ever express. I love you baby!