That's how I feel about my marriage right now. It's been stained - stained by infidelity. We can never go back. No matter what happens in the future, we can never say that are marriage has been 100% true. There will always be that dark shadow hanging over it, which will undoubtedly make for a few awkward moments in the future.
I can forsee perhaps at some point, some of our friends might bring up the subject of cheating in a relationship. And how do my wife and I even contribute to that conversation? And just suppose one of my wife's friends who knows about what happened (there seems to be several of them now) happens to be there? Humiliation and embarrassment, that's what.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
LAST NIGHT
So last night my wife and I were talking. And I told her about my feelings regarding her best friend. And she was clearly upset about it. It was late, and we really didn't get a chance to discuss it much beyond that. And admitedly, she'd had a really bad day already. But nonetheless, I felt like shit - and still do. I think I hurt her. And I don't know what I can do to help fix that.
If I'm reading my wife correctly, she's trying very hard to see things from my perspective. So I think she's trying to temper any anger or resentment she may have towards me in these situations. In other words, she's trying not to invalidate my feelings. And for that, I truly admire her. Because that's a very difficult thing to do in her position.
If I'm reading my wife correctly, she's trying very hard to see things from my perspective. So I think she's trying to temper any anger or resentment she may have towards me in these situations. In other words, she's trying not to invalidate my feelings. And for that, I truly admire her. Because that's a very difficult thing to do in her position.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
THE BLAME GAME
As I've written several times in the past, I've accepted my share of the responsibility for playing a part in my wife's indiscretion. And then I came across this quote from someone on that website.
"You are 50% responsible for the condition and environment of the marriage. She is 100% responsible for her CHOICE to have an affair. That is hers alone. You did not get a vote on it."
This is something that I need to keep in the back of my mind. Because the "affair" itself was not my fault. And at times, I think I've beaten myself up a little bit over that.
"You are 50% responsible for the condition and environment of the marriage. She is 100% responsible for her CHOICE to have an affair. That is hers alone. You did not get a vote on it."
This is something that I need to keep in the back of my mind. Because the "affair" itself was not my fault. And at times, I think I've beaten myself up a little bit over that.
THE BEST FRIEND
So nearly a week has passed since my last entry. I discovered a message board which is designed to help people in my position. And my posts over there have actually lured a couple of people over to this blog. So maybe I have an audience now.
That board recommends that when you find out your wife is carrying on an affair, the best thing to do is expose it to everyone - family, friends and coworkers. Yikes! That is a radical concept, to be sure. But in a way, I can understand it. If the goal is to stop the affair, then why not embarrass the cheating spouse? Apparently it does work. Oh, and you should also notify the spouse of the other party as well - if there is one.
So in my case, I should have told my wife's parents, her friends, and her coworkers. I also should have told the customers and Myspace friends of the other guy. Of course I found out about everything after it was all over with. So there would be no point to do that now.
I wonder though. If I'm ever in that position again, should I do it? For the record, I don't believe I'll ever have to face that nightmare again. But if I were to be in that position again, would I expose her? I don't know. Right now, my opinion is that if it happens again, we're absolutely through. This is her final "second chance." If she cheats again, I'm done. And if I'm done, why would I care what she does? Exposing her at that point would simply be an act of malice. And I'm not a malicious person.
However, who knows what frame of mind I'd be in. Maybe I would want to try and salvage our marriage once again. If so, then yes, I would expose her. As difficult a task as that would be, I would do it. It might get ugly. But, I would do it.
Now, to the subject of this post. As I've talked about before, my wife's best friend knew about everything before, during and after it happened. I was none the wiser. I've mentioned this before. But it's worth repeating. Because circumstances now require it.
This friend of hers knew that my wife was having severe marital problems. And yet she never encouraged her to talk to me about them. I've never understood that. It just boggles my mind. My wife loves this woman and would heed her advice. I know that if this friend had pushed her a bit to confront me with the problems she was having at the time, my wife would have done it in a heartbeat. This friend has enough pull with her to do that. And had she done that, none of this shit would have happened - no cheating, no nothing. We would have begun our healing process without all of the added bullshit. Does that bother me? FUCK YEAH!
One other thing about her is that even after I found out about her cheating, and after my wife and I began to mend our marriage, she still ENCOURAGED her not to close any doors. She ENCOURAGED her to explore other options without me, in addition to the option of staying with me and fixing our marriage.
Now you tell me, what kind of friend is that? My wife had already decided to work with me to fix our marriage. And here she is basically saying to her "not so fast."
Now you tell me. How am I supposed to react to that? How the hell am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to be accepting of her after she's done something like that?
Don't get me wrong. This friend is a nice person. But in my opinion, she made some unforgivable errors in judgement. So now I'm left with extreme resentment towards her. Is it justified? I think so. No, I know so!
Last Friday, my wife and this friend both attended some sort of expo where women were selling crafts and things. Since my wife had only seen our two kids for about 30 minutes that day, I was going to surprise her by stopping by and hanging out for awhile. But that was before I knew that her best friend was going to be there too. I'm no longer comfortable around her. So my surprise was scrapped. And we stayed home.
This friend has a party every three or four months. We're always invited to them. And she has one tentatively planned in a few weeks. I've said very little about it. For one thing, I thought we probably couldn't attend anyway, as my wife would be working that night. Unfortunately, we found out yesterday that she has that night off.
Great. Now this forces me into a confrontation that I was hoping to avoid. I have no intention of going to that party. I just can't. I would be very uncomfortable and not happy. And I don't think I would be really good at faking it in this situation. If my wife wants to go, that's fine. I have no problem if she wants to hang out and have a good time. I wish I could do it with her. But I just can't. So how do I break it to her? I know she'll be disappointed in me. She may even resent me for it. She may even think that I'm "punishing" her for her indiscretion. I don't know what to do. But I'll probably just avoid it as long as I can.
Life sucks sometimes.
That board recommends that when you find out your wife is carrying on an affair, the best thing to do is expose it to everyone - family, friends and coworkers. Yikes! That is a radical concept, to be sure. But in a way, I can understand it. If the goal is to stop the affair, then why not embarrass the cheating spouse? Apparently it does work. Oh, and you should also notify the spouse of the other party as well - if there is one.
So in my case, I should have told my wife's parents, her friends, and her coworkers. I also should have told the customers and Myspace friends of the other guy. Of course I found out about everything after it was all over with. So there would be no point to do that now.
I wonder though. If I'm ever in that position again, should I do it? For the record, I don't believe I'll ever have to face that nightmare again. But if I were to be in that position again, would I expose her? I don't know. Right now, my opinion is that if it happens again, we're absolutely through. This is her final "second chance." If she cheats again, I'm done. And if I'm done, why would I care what she does? Exposing her at that point would simply be an act of malice. And I'm not a malicious person.
However, who knows what frame of mind I'd be in. Maybe I would want to try and salvage our marriage once again. If so, then yes, I would expose her. As difficult a task as that would be, I would do it. It might get ugly. But, I would do it.
Now, to the subject of this post. As I've talked about before, my wife's best friend knew about everything before, during and after it happened. I was none the wiser. I've mentioned this before. But it's worth repeating. Because circumstances now require it.
This friend of hers knew that my wife was having severe marital problems. And yet she never encouraged her to talk to me about them. I've never understood that. It just boggles my mind. My wife loves this woman and would heed her advice. I know that if this friend had pushed her a bit to confront me with the problems she was having at the time, my wife would have done it in a heartbeat. This friend has enough pull with her to do that. And had she done that, none of this shit would have happened - no cheating, no nothing. We would have begun our healing process without all of the added bullshit. Does that bother me? FUCK YEAH!
One other thing about her is that even after I found out about her cheating, and after my wife and I began to mend our marriage, she still ENCOURAGED her not to close any doors. She ENCOURAGED her to explore other options without me, in addition to the option of staying with me and fixing our marriage.
Now you tell me, what kind of friend is that? My wife had already decided to work with me to fix our marriage. And here she is basically saying to her "not so fast."
Now you tell me. How am I supposed to react to that? How the hell am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to be accepting of her after she's done something like that?
Don't get me wrong. This friend is a nice person. But in my opinion, she made some unforgivable errors in judgement. So now I'm left with extreme resentment towards her. Is it justified? I think so. No, I know so!
Last Friday, my wife and this friend both attended some sort of expo where women were selling crafts and things. Since my wife had only seen our two kids for about 30 minutes that day, I was going to surprise her by stopping by and hanging out for awhile. But that was before I knew that her best friend was going to be there too. I'm no longer comfortable around her. So my surprise was scrapped. And we stayed home.
This friend has a party every three or four months. We're always invited to them. And she has one tentatively planned in a few weeks. I've said very little about it. For one thing, I thought we probably couldn't attend anyway, as my wife would be working that night. Unfortunately, we found out yesterday that she has that night off.
Great. Now this forces me into a confrontation that I was hoping to avoid. I have no intention of going to that party. I just can't. I would be very uncomfortable and not happy. And I don't think I would be really good at faking it in this situation. If my wife wants to go, that's fine. I have no problem if she wants to hang out and have a good time. I wish I could do it with her. But I just can't. So how do I break it to her? I know she'll be disappointed in me. She may even resent me for it. She may even think that I'm "punishing" her for her indiscretion. I don't know what to do. But I'll probably just avoid it as long as I can.
Life sucks sometimes.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
WEDNESDAY
I had a few hard moments yesterday. Someone left a comment in my previous entry, with a link to a website. The website is about marriage, and has a message board filled with people in my exact position. Reading the stories of others was truly heartbreaking. And it made me feel bad about my own situation.
I think I've reached a point where I no longer care to analyze (and over analyze) what's happened. There just isn't much more that I can think about. It is what it is. I can speculate for hours and hours as to what my wife's motivation was, or what she was thinking. But what's the point? It's over with.
The only thing I'm left with now is the horrible mental image of what she did. That won't go away. And while I have honestly forgiven her, it's going to take a long time for the pain to subside.
So anyway, my wife told me that her best friend - the one who knew about everything before, during and after it happened, is planning a party in a few weeks. Of course we're invited. But I don't know if I want to go. I feel bad about it. But I feel some resentment towards her - like she could have done something to prevent what happened. And by "soing something" I mean she could have pressured my wife to talk to me about all the issues she was having. Had this taken place, none of the bad stuff would ever have occurred. So irrational or not, that's what I'm feeling. And I don't know if I can handle spending an evening around her, when I know how uncomfortable I'm going to feel. On top of my slight resentment, I also feel humiliated. She knows what my wife did. And that makes me feel like a total schmuck. I have a feeling if I tell my wife this, she's going to be irritated with me. She may even feel like I'm refusing to go to the party, simply as some sort of "punishment" to her. But it's not. I mean, how would my lack of attendance hurt her anyway? She can still go by herself.
I don't know. We'll see what the next several weeks yields. Maybe I'll come around.
I think I've reached a point where I no longer care to analyze (and over analyze) what's happened. There just isn't much more that I can think about. It is what it is. I can speculate for hours and hours as to what my wife's motivation was, or what she was thinking. But what's the point? It's over with.
The only thing I'm left with now is the horrible mental image of what she did. That won't go away. And while I have honestly forgiven her, it's going to take a long time for the pain to subside.
So anyway, my wife told me that her best friend - the one who knew about everything before, during and after it happened, is planning a party in a few weeks. Of course we're invited. But I don't know if I want to go. I feel bad about it. But I feel some resentment towards her - like she could have done something to prevent what happened. And by "soing something" I mean she could have pressured my wife to talk to me about all the issues she was having. Had this taken place, none of the bad stuff would ever have occurred. So irrational or not, that's what I'm feeling. And I don't know if I can handle spending an evening around her, when I know how uncomfortable I'm going to feel. On top of my slight resentment, I also feel humiliated. She knows what my wife did. And that makes me feel like a total schmuck. I have a feeling if I tell my wife this, she's going to be irritated with me. She may even feel like I'm refusing to go to the party, simply as some sort of "punishment" to her. But it's not. I mean, how would my lack of attendance hurt her anyway? She can still go by herself.
I don't know. We'll see what the next several weeks yields. Maybe I'll come around.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
LAST NIGHT
I broke down last night. Unfortunately, I did it in bed, with my wife right next to me. I turned into a blubbering fool. I just hurt so bad, and everything just decided to flood out at that moment. I felt like shit for losing it in front of her. And she feels she's to blame - which in turn makes her feel like shit. So there we are, two lost fish in a sea of shit.
My immediate thought is that I'm going to lose her - which is the last thing I want to happen. But how long can she put up with me being so sad and depressed all the time? She may feel sorry for me now. But after awhile, that's going to get old.
I feel that I've lost my "fun" - my silliness. But I am confident that it will come back. I had two months of healing. And things were slowly getting better. Now I need to start all over again. So be it. Five days down, 55 days to go. This all has to stop. I keep telling myself, "This will pass."
I feel good today. In fact, after that crying session, I felt a lot better. I'm not a cryer by nature. But I think I'd been saving that up inside of me all week. Tonight my wife and I are going to go out and have some fun - something we rarely get to do. We're both looking forward to it. And it's something we really need.
My immediate thought is that I'm going to lose her - which is the last thing I want to happen. But how long can she put up with me being so sad and depressed all the time? She may feel sorry for me now. But after awhile, that's going to get old.
I feel that I've lost my "fun" - my silliness. But I am confident that it will come back. I had two months of healing. And things were slowly getting better. Now I need to start all over again. So be it. Five days down, 55 days to go. This all has to stop. I keep telling myself, "This will pass."
I feel good today. In fact, after that crying session, I felt a lot better. I'm not a cryer by nature. But I think I'd been saving that up inside of me all week. Tonight my wife and I are going to go out and have some fun - something we rarely get to do. We're both looking forward to it. And it's something we really need.
Friday, October 26, 2007
COMING TO GRIPS
My wife asked me last night if I had any thoughts of cheating myself, out of revenge. I told her no - which is true to a certain degree. Of course the thought itself has entered my mind. But even if I wanted to, it's not like I can just snap my fingers and make it happen. It doesn't work that way for guys. A woman intent on cheating can find a willing guy in two hours if she tries.
In all honesty, and I know this may sound noble and corny, but I simply wouldn't do that to her. I am really hurting these days. Any hurt I've experienced over the past two months, pales in comparison to what I've felt this week. I now know what it feels like to get cheated on. And I simply love my wife far too much to put her through this sort of heartache. I know that may sound overly noble - as if "wow, what a great guy I am!" But it is nonetheless true. I know she's got her own issues to deal with right now. She may not be suffering to the same degree I am. But I know she's hurting as well. And I know she has guilt and sorrow for what she's put me through. And why would I want to add to that?
This has been a very tough week for me. My appetite has seemed to have vanished - which isn't exaclty a bad thing. I carry a pit in my stomach nearly everywhere I go. But I'm actually dealing with it better than I thought I would. This too will pass.
Do I sound like a pathetic broken record? Woah is me. Woah is me...
In all honesty, and I know this may sound noble and corny, but I simply wouldn't do that to her. I am really hurting these days. Any hurt I've experienced over the past two months, pales in comparison to what I've felt this week. I now know what it feels like to get cheated on. And I simply love my wife far too much to put her through this sort of heartache. I know that may sound overly noble - as if "wow, what a great guy I am!" But it is nonetheless true. I know she's got her own issues to deal with right now. She may not be suffering to the same degree I am. But I know she's hurting as well. And I know she has guilt and sorrow for what she's put me through. And why would I want to add to that?
This has been a very tough week for me. My appetite has seemed to have vanished - which isn't exaclty a bad thing. I carry a pit in my stomach nearly everywhere I go. But I'm actually dealing with it better than I thought I would. This too will pass.
Do I sound like a pathetic broken record? Woah is me. Woah is me...
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